Happy Freaking New Year...

Greetings, from beautifully wooded, peacefully secluded, sometimes sunny, but mostly not, Petticoat Lake where the days are cold, the nights are colder and a rare lunar occurrence of a Blue Moon ushered in the New Year. A Blue Moon on New Year's Eve - how fabulous!  Ordinarily, I don't bother with resolutions for the new year - either I do something or I don't - and if I don't do it, I don't want to spend a year feeling guilty about not having done what I said I would do. On December 31, 2009, however, I made my New Year's resolutions, and I kept them and now I'm done with that until the next time there is a Blue Moon on New Year's Eve - which will occur in 2028.

Although I only make resolutions once in a Blue Moon, millions of people around the world make resolutions every New Year's Eve. Unfortunately millions of people all around the world will not keep many or any of the resolutions they made for 2010. Why do you suppose that is? I believe that people fail to keep their resolutions for one of two reasons - the resolutions were too stupid to adhere to or there was alcohol involved. I'll write only about the second reason because the first reason is self-explanatory.

Many people often make new year's resolutions at New Year's Eve parties after having spent several hours consuming copious amounts of assorted alcoholic beverages and engaging in intellectual conversations that often include topics like, 'How to Achieve World Peace in a Hate Filled World ', 'Those Sonuvabitching Politicians' and 'How to Live an Introspective Life Without Boring Everyone to Death With Your Introspective Drivel.' Toss in a sprinkle of 'World Religions and Why They Hate Us', and a couple of shots of tequila and the inspiration for your new year's resolutions may go something like this: You are at a New Year's Eve party and it has been in full swing for quite some time. There are several people in the middle of the living room making tipsy attempts at dancing to the loud, raucous music that is thundering from the CD player, which is in constant danger of being knocked from its shelf because the room is not large enough to accommodate drunk dancers and staggering party goers. Occasionally, a dancer gets bumped by someone staggering toward the keg of beer and the dancer's drink splashes out of the cup and onto the dancer's partner, or the CD player or the carpeting, but usually all three. At some point in the evening, usually too late, you decide that you should probably eat and as you make your way to the kitchen, one of the jitterbugging dancers is sent spinning out of control and slams into your back. You pitch forward, bounce off the refrigerator and spill your nearly full drink down the front of your brand new Christmas sweater. You grab the only towel in sight and wipe the front of your brand new Christmas sweater and discover that the towel had already been used and now the front of your brand new Christmas sweater is smeared with what appears to be BBQ sauce. Or ketchup. Still hungry, you peruse the buffet table but the good stuff is gone. What's left of the cole-slaw has what appears to be a jell-o shot melting in the bottom of the bowl so the only food choices available are deviled eggs, taco dip and tuna puffs. Despite your hunger there is no way you will eat deviled eggs, taco dip or tuna puffs so you grab a handful of chips and make your way back to the living room, careful to avoid the dancers who are now attempting to remain standing while performing the tango from hell.
As midnight approaches, the host weaves his way to the CD player and turns the music off and loudly announces that, "It's almost time!", and he turns the telly on so the crowd can watch the ball drop in Times Square. At exactly one second after midnight, to celebrate the start of the new year, the crowd begins the annual bellowing of, "Old Lang Syne." The bottle of Brut Champagne is uncorked and poured into waiting, empty glasses as the crowd continues to hum, or make up words to the second and third verses of, "Old Lang Syne", which even under perfect circumstances is a tear jerker. The atmosphere of the party has quickly changed from light-hearted and spirited to serious and maudlin and it is at that moment, surrounded by good friends and neighbors, who are muttering nonsensical words to, "Auld Lang Syne", that you resolve to be a better person, a better friend and a better neighbor. And to prove to everyone that you are serious about your resolution, you volunteer to babysit their babies, dog sit their dogs, cat sit their cats and be at your good friends and neighbors beck and call whenever they need you, for any reason, no matter what, you swear to God. And then you hand out your cell phone number like Santa Claus hands out candy canes.

So, you made a resolution to be a better person and because you have some twisted notion about what exactly a 'better person' is, you told friends and neighbors that you would be available to help them at any time, for any reason, no matter what. Although your resolution fits both aforementioned categories - stupid and alcohol induced, it is a resolution just the same and for the entire year you have only two choices - do what you said you would do, or don't.
On the one hand, a real friend would not take your resolution seriously and would only call upon you for help in an emergency. On the other hand, you may be called upon by someone who did take you at your word and you may be asked to babysit, dog sit or cat sit, and when they call, you try to find an excuse to not keep your word because their kids are brats, you hate their dog or you are allergic to cats. So, you must do what you said you would do, or you will spend the entire year dodging phone calls and not returning messages from friends or neighbors who need you to babysit, dog sit or cat sit. Eventually you have your cell phone number changed, and you even contemplate moving to a new town. Each day you are aware of your failure as a good friend or neighbor and you ask yourself over and over, "What was I thinking?"

One day while you are hiding out at home, surfing the internet, not answering calls or returning messages from friends and neighbors in need, you find a website that lists quotes from famous people. You read page after page of quotes and, there it is - the one quote which you resolve to keep for the rest of you life, you swear to God. The quote is from Ernest Hemingway, who spent his entire adult life cultivating his love affair with Absinthe, Daiquiris, Martinis, Mojitos and Papa Dobles. Hemingway probably had much to say about many things, but this is the one thing he said that you will remember forever: "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you keep your mouth shut."

And that's all I have to say about that.