February 2011
It may be cold outside, but February, is the month when the cockels of my heart are warmed just knowing that I have special people to love and that there are people who love me, too. Although February is traditionally a time for lovers, something about all those hearts, chocolates and home-made valentines make me think of my children and of the fun we had together when they were young. We still have fun, of course, but it's different now...
It never ends, you know. Motherhood. It is forever.
From the moment your child is born you are a Mother. There is no going back. There will never be anything else in your life that will compare with being a Mother. Nothing. Never. And unless you are a Mother - you will never, ever know how a Mother feels about her child. Never. Ever.
Mothers. We have children, we raise them and eventually we must send them out into the world. They get jobs and move out of their family homes into crappy little apartments in the city. Sometimes, Mother lives close by and, if absolutely necessary, she may feel obligated to help her child. Ideally, though, Mother lives far enough away to not interfere with the budding adult’s independence. This is an exciting time for the children; they are making the transition from childhood to young adulthood and they are learning about life as young adults. They learn that money does not grow on trees. They learn that food comes from grocery stores, not the refrigerator. They learn that electricity is not magic or free. And finally, they learn that there is no such thing as a Laundry Fairy.
During these transition years, Mother has a new role in her adult child’s life, and it is not the role of Best Friend. Mother is Mother – not Girl Friend. Mother’s new role is that of mostly silent parent in the Mother- child relationship; the days of making decisions for her child are over. Mother must bite her tongue, keep her opinions to herself, and only offer advice when asked and even then, Mother must be very careful not to offend her child because the child expects Mother’s unconditional support. Mother must always remember that she is dealing with an adult. A very young adult.
Mother wants the child's transition to be a success. For that to happen, it is best for all parties concerned if Mother is in a state of perpetual ignorance about what the child is up to - the less Mother knows the better. Incidentally, by the time the child has moved out of the family home, the child should be well versed in the art of telling Mother exactly what Mother wants to hear. If at this moment, you are saying, “My child tells me everything!” you are in denial - and all Mothers should know that denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Welcome aboard!
When compared with the early years of a child’s life, the years during the child’s transition to adulthood are relatively easy for Mother; she is not changing diapers, wiping runny noses, chaperoning school dances, baking and decorating heart-shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day parties, shopping for prom dresses, attending track meets, basketball games, band concerts, vocal concerts or any other extra curricular school sponsored event . This frees up a lot of Mother’s time.
And guess what Mother does with some of her free time? That’s right. Since the children left home, their bedrooms have been converted into guest rooms and an office, and Mother has learned how to use a computer. Mother also has a facebook account. Mother is privy to a lot of information through her facebook account and sometimes Mother does not like what she finds out…
We live in world where we have instant access to information. Sometimes we must search for it, but more often that not, it is right in front of us, we didn’t even ask for it - someone offered it up for no good reason other than someone could. This is troubling for Mother. If Mother has access to information about her child through facebook, it is a safe bet that other people with facebook accounts have access to that same information. Although Mother may not like it, her adult child has elected to go public with personal information, so if Mother ever had concerns about her child's privacy, that concern is no longer an issue. Furthermore, anyone with access to the adult child's information on facebook can comment on that information in any manner they choose, and even if Mother does not like the comments, there really isn’t much to be done about it.
This situation creates a quandary for Mother. If Mother's child plans to do something and posts that information on facebook, is it appropriate for Mother to comment on it?
Or will her comments cause an uncomfortable rift between herself and her child?
Should Mother remain silent, using denial as an excuse to not express an opinion which may offend her child?
If Mother remains silent, is she condemned to anchor her barge, built of hopes and dreams for her child, in the murky depths of denial's acquiescence, deceit and disappointment?
When dealing with adult children, I have found that experience is the best teacher, and in my experience, the answers to these difficult questions are: No. Yes. Yes. And Yes.
And that's all I have to say about that....
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