Spring has Sprung, the Grass is Riz, I Wonders Where the Flowers is...

 March 2011

Greetings, from beautifully wooded, peacefully secluded, sometimes sunny but mostly not Petticoat Lake where the  snow is melting, the hillsides are bare, the river is open and Spring is in the air.  Everybody loves Spring – it is a joyous time of year.  Most of us are happy to have survived another long UP winter and we are ready for more hours of daylight and temperatures above 20 degrees. 

The gardeners among us have spent the past month or two dreaming about their little plots of dirt that will eventually produce an array of delicious, fresh, summer edibles.  These devoted horticulturists have found exquisite delight in their favorite seed catalogues; the countless dog-eared pages are evidence of the hours spent planning and plotting the perfect combinations of leafy greens, climbing beans, burrowing beets and hilled potatoes. These patient souls have been biding their time, watching weather reports and counting the hours until the first day of  March so they could finally order their seeds.

Then there are those of us for whom seed catalogues are not a source of fulfillment.  Our Spring-time inspiration comes from other books – books that are filled with bits of wisdom, humor, fact and fiction.  Books that cause the reader to ponder the meaning of life, to marvel at the stars in the night sky, to question the true nature of humanity, to reflect on the past and to imagine the future.  These bound volumes hold the secrets of the ages between their covers and we devoted readers scrutinize each page, hoping to discover something new and marvelous.   The Old Farmer’s Almanac for 2011, and The Old Farmer’s Almanac Sampler from 1957, never fail to surprise, entertain and educate the avid student on all of life’s matters of great importance.

 I recently opened my 2011 tome of knowledge and discovered that if I send $25.00, cash or money order, to Lucky Ju-Ju, in Augusta Georgia, I can win at everything I do, including lotto, casino jackpots, bingo, dogs, horses, dice, parlays and more, just by ordering a Lucky Ju-Ju Crystal Money Bag.  It will bring me good luck, love, money, health, happiness and success.  If I have any doubts that this Lucky Ju-Ju Money Bag works, Mr. Thomas Willison gives a Miracle Testimony and swears that his Lucky Ju-Ju Money Bag changed his life - he takes it with him everywhere and he won part of a multi-million dollar lottery and a million dollar casino jackpot in Las Vegas. 

This is good information to have.  Before reading my marvelous book, I had no idea that I needed a Lucky Ju-Ju Money Bag, nor did I know I could get one from Augusta, Georgia. 

I also discovered that for a mere $5.00, I could remove any jinx, evil and enemies from me, my home and family if I use the Triple Action Sprinkling Salt and Yard Dressing.  I'm not sure how the Sprinkling Salt and Yard Dressing works, but the instructions are included.  This amazing, almost like magic product is offered through the Church Goods Co. from Glenview, Illinois. 

The Church Goods Co. also sells a Genie Wishing Lamp that grants up to 7 wishes.  You can rub this Genie Wishing Lamp and not only have instant money miracles, good luck, good health, success and chase away evil, but this amazing Genie Wishing Lamp will “help you win court cases and will make law stay away”. This Genie Wishing Lamp has been put to every test and has a 100%  money back guarantee.  Supplies are limited so order yours soon - only $10.95 or 2 for $19.00.

If you like your luck, love or money in liquid form, Church Goods Co., offers 100% Pure Spiritual Oils in 4 different potions to suit your needs.  Oil choices include Fast Money, Love Potion, Sure to Win and Snake.  $6.95 each or 3 for $15.00.  (By the by – this is the only time I have ever seen a company advertise that they really do sell Snake Oil. 

If you never seem to have enough money on hand, Church Goods Company has just the product for you - the Money Grow Wallet.  For the low, low price of $14.95, this Money Grow Wallet will help you increase and hold your money.  It is lucky for gambling and it comes with oil and gift. 

The Old Farmer’s Almanac Sampler from 1957 didn’t have much in the way of magic salts, oils or Genie Wishing Lamps; seems that folks were a bit more serious minded back in the day.  The sampler consists of various bits of useful information from days of yore, and I have included a few here:

I learned that an empty barrel stood upright in the middle of the garden will usually frighten woodchucks, strips of tar paper hung on the fence wire will frighten deer and that number 7 shot is an effective way to let Peter understand no trespassing…

From the Godey’s Lady Book, we are admonished that to be a perfect hostess, the works of male and female authors should be properly separated on the book shelves.  Their proximity should not be tolerated, unless they happen to be married to one another.

A warning from 1815 included in the sampler states that, “Bowling greens have become of late mightily in fashion, to the ruin of many unfortunate young men.  Scarcely a day passes without the rattle of pins in front of landlord Toddy Stick’s house.  Every boy is distracted to get away from his work in order to take his game.  At sun two hour’s high, the day is finished, and away go men and boys to the bowling alley.  Haying, hoeing, plowing, sewing, all must give way to sport and toddy.  Now this is no way for a farmer.  It will do for the city lads to sport and relax in this way, and so there are proper times and seasons for farmers to take pleasure of this sort; for I agree that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

“He that makes himself an ass must not take it ill if men ride him.”  ~  1795 

Advice from 1851
 “If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
And how and when, and where.”

“When a man says, “I lie,” does he lie, or does he speak the truth?  If he lies, he speaks the truth; if he speaks the truth, he lies.”   ~  1865

From 1927 – “Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.”

The sampler, of course, had much to say about women.  None of it good.  
Here are a few of my personal favorites.

“She that is born a beauty, is half married.”  ~  1797

“A good wife is the workmanship of a good husband.”  ~ 1806

“The farmer’s wife – how pleasant it is to see her hasten to meet her husband as he returns at night from the field.  Careless of his dust, she takes him by the arm, and with tender concern and smiles of heavenly affection, supports him to his happy cottage.”  ~  1809

 Deliver me from a shabby horse and a sluttish wife.”  ~  1810

~  And from 1796, my favorite  ~  “A good wife should be like a snail, always keep within her own house;
but she should not be like a snail, to carry all she has upon her back.
She should be like an echo, to speak when she is spoken to; but she should not be like an echo, always have the last word.
She should be like a town clock, always keep time and regularity; but should not be like a town clock, to speak out loud that all the town may hear her.”

And that’s all I have to say about that…